Friday, March 9, 2018

And Life Just Keeps Going



First things first, I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words, messages, and thoughts as I navigate myself through a very different life without my best friend and partner.

It's been neither better, nor worse.

Just... different.

I've struggled with the idea of time - over a week has already passed - and I feel almost angry that life has continued on so... seamlessly? without Ty.

The horses still need to be fed. Roxy still needs exercise. Laundry still needs to be done. Work still needs to be attended.

It feels almost cruel.

And when I get the courage to go somewhere public (because in this small town, you are apt to run into at least five people you know), I feel sad all over again. The hoards of people who cruise the grocery store have no idea the girl in aisle 5 is trying her hardest not to cry for the 17th time today, because she misses her dog so damn much. The guy waiting for his wife in the parking lot with the tunes cranked up doesn't see the small tear that falls because even in her dreams, he is missing.

Maybe I'm being melodramatic. Or maybe I just deal very poorly with death.



And still, life just keeps coming.

The bills don't stop. The need to eat and rest is still evident. The truck still needs gas.

It just seems unfair. That the best partner I had ever known would be so easily removed from life - that the minutes seem to tick on by without any kind of remorse. All that remains is a cardboard box of ashes and collars that will never grace his neck ever again.

And it sucks.

I know I'll regain some sense of normalcy and instead, choose to put my efforts towards the good times and memories we shared, but right now I am very much stuck in the "all is lost" phase. And I think I need to be here and feel every inch of these feelings - at least for the moment.

Strong, independent and self-assured.
That's who he was.
I finally put his ramp and wheelchair on the buy and sell - as much as I want to hold onto these things, a large part of me knows these items were not who Ty was. In fact, he really only "dealt" with the assistance we offered as the disease progressed, but it wasn't who he was. And the other part of me knows it could help another dog in need.

Each day has not only been a struggle, but a journey.

I am thankful for the village of people who have offered a shoulder or hand. I realize I am still seeking comfort of the shadows, but little by little have started to step back into the light. I am still selfishly angry and trying to navigate my way through all these feelings as carefully as I can. The patience people have shown me is astounding and I wanted to thank everyone that this can be a platform I pour my heart out to without fear of resentment or judgement.

One day I will be "okay", and the funny thing about that is time is the only thing that will get me there.


15 comments:

  1. I know how hard this is. The only advice I have is to be kind to yourself. You are dealing with a massive loss and it will take time to learn to carry it.

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    1. Thank you, Teresa <3 Trying to keep pushing forwards.

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  2. Ahh, tearing up just reading this. Be sure to take care of yourself, and take whatever time you need. I'm very sorry for your loss <3

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  3. Losing your best friend and partner is hard and time will lessen the heartbreak. That doesn’t mean it’s goung to be easy but hang in there time will help heal.

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  4. I know exactly what you're saying. When my little black cow dog got hit and killed, I still had to go grocery shopping and pick up dog for for Pig, and it was like, why doesn't everyone in the store know my dog just died? Why isn't everyone acknowledging this and mourning with me? It's been three years and sometimes it still hits me like a fucking brick out of nowhere. Grief is the shits.

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    1. Thanks, Carly. I am struggling with all the emotions. The other day I went to look out the window to check Roxy and somehow, one of the vetwrap booties I had made for Ty was wedged against the window. Not sure how it even got there, because I never wrapped his feet to let him outside in the backyard to pee. It kind of felt like he was reminding me to keep my chin up - as weird as that sounds.

      And I am glad to know my emotions are "normal". I feel guilty for them a lot, especially because I resent a lot of dogs I know for the fact they are alive and my dog isn't. It isn't to say I wish them ill, but it's hard...

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  5. It's so hard to lose a family member. No matter if that member is two or four legged. Grieving takes time. Eventually, it will get easier. You'll always grieve for him, but life will get back to feeling more normal in time.

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