First things first, I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words, messages, and thoughts as I navigate myself through a very different life without my best friend and partner.
It's been neither better, nor worse.
I've struggled with the idea of time - over a week has already passed - and I feel almost angry that life has continued on so... seamlessly? without Ty.
The horses still need to be fed. Roxy still needs exercise. Laundry still needs to be done. Work still needs to be attended.
It feels almost cruel.
And when I get the courage to go somewhere public (because in this small town, you are apt to run into at least five people you know), I feel sad all over again. The hoards of people who cruise the grocery store have no idea the girl in aisle 5 is trying her hardest not to cry for the 17th time today, because she misses her dog so damn much. The guy waiting for his wife in the parking lot with the tunes cranked up doesn't see the small tear that falls because even in her dreams, he is missing.
Maybe I'm being melodramatic. Or maybe I just deal very poorly with death.
And still, life just keeps coming.
The bills don't stop. The need to eat and rest is still evident. The truck still needs gas.
It just seems unfair. That the best partner I had ever known would be so easily removed from life - that the minutes seem to tick on by without any kind of remorse. All that remains is a cardboard box of ashes and collars that will never grace his neck ever again.
And it sucks.
I know I'll regain some sense of normalcy and instead, choose to put my efforts towards the good times and memories we shared, but right now I am very much stuck in the "all is lost" phase. And I think I need to be here and feel every inch of these feelings - at least for the moment.
|Strong, independent and self-assured.|
That's who he was.
Each day has not only been a struggle, but a journey.
I am thankful for the village of people who have offered a shoulder or hand. I realize I am still seeking comfort of the shadows, but little by little have started to step back into the light. I am still selfishly angry and trying to navigate my way through all these feelings as carefully as I can. The patience people have shown me is astounding and I wanted to thank everyone that this can be a platform I pour my heart out to without fear of resentment or judgement.
One day I will be "okay", and the funny thing about that is time is the only thing that will get me there.