Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Without Suzie



It's nearly been two months since I laid Suzie to rest.

While my barn time is much more bearable now, sometimes I just can't fully grasp the concept she is truly gone. In fact, there have been days where I swear I can see her, or feel her presence. One particular occasion left me sidelined with grief and confusion.

It happened about a month ago - after filling the water trough, I bent down to coil up the hose and a rustling sound from the paddock made me look back up. When I did, I could've swore my red mare was standing there, blinking back at me. My heart filled with instant happiness and just as quickly, plummeted into heartache when I realized that it wasn't her.

It made me incredibly sad - the impact of her loss is still painfully evident. The empty western saddle I once tossed up on her back now sits in my tack room at home, collecting dust. Her halter sits in a bag waiting for me to one day have the courage to make a shadow box in her memory.


The weird "sighting" was nothing more than the brain playing tricks, I know. But as the weeks rolled by without a glimpse, I ached for a sign of her presence.

I am not a spiritual person by nature. In fact, I play out the rationality of things in my mind all the time. But loss and grief are two things that are very difficult for me to process. Something inside of me wants to be connected so badly to those I have loved and lost. Little trinkets that remind me of them, or simple ways to honor their memory is how my heart gets by. So these weird little sightings, while initially made me incredibly sad, started to bring some happiness into my life.

I don't necessarily go looking for things I can mistake as Suzie. In fact, the times I have seen or felt her have been times where I am completely thrown off guard. And while I am sure there are logical explanations for these encounters, I have decided to be blissfully ignorant to them.

The last time I saw Suzie was a few weeks ago. It was dark outside and I had just pulled into the barn to feed grain. I rounded the corner of the driveway and before settling into park, flicked the truck's high beams on. The lights caught the wind-swept carvings of snow, long settled from a previous night's snowstorm before landing on Suzie's head and neck. She stood there, staring at me from the back portion of the paddock. I felt completely breathless as I stepped out of the truck, unwilling myself to blink. Walking up to the fence, I swallowed hard and told her how much I missed her.



20 comments:

  1. *hugs* the feelings will always linger. I never had glimpses of Carlos but more like feelings of Carlos.

    ReplyDelete
  2. there's nothing so hard as saying goodbye to a good friend :(

    ReplyDelete
  3. ((hugs)). I am approaching the anniversary of Steele's death which is always hard. The other night I dreamt I met him in the woods and we went for a ride in the woods. It was hard to get off but when I woke up I felt better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *hugs* back to you, Teresa. Thinking of you <3

      I think that is really special Steele visit's you in your dreams. I don't recall dreaming about Suzie - I did quite a bit when she was alive tho.

      Delete
  4. Wow. hugs. They will always be with us.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I got chills reading this! Hugs to you!

    I get dream visits from my old dog Bradley sometimes. They're dreams, but they're odd in that they feel so different... I always know I'm dreaming, and it just feels like two old friends meeting for a few moments while we can. I always tell him how good it is to see him and sometimes we walk together for a bit.

    Obviously I have no clue what goes on after life, but it sure seems to me like sometimes our souls/energies/what-have-you stay linked together with those of our precious friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In some weird way, even tho I know it "shouldn't" be possible, I really think it was her. I felt kind of weird blogging about it, but I am glad I did because it sounds like quite a few other readers have experienced the same things.

      I haven't had many dreams about Suzie since she's passed - most of the dreams I had were before she was put to rest.

      And I think so to - I'd like to believe they don't truly leave us <3

      Delete
  6. Not to sound a little bit crazy but who says you aren't seeing Suzie at times. She probably misses you as much as you miss her. Maybe she visits once in a while to check on you and her buddies.

    Now this will sound a little crazy but we were away once and there was this psychic that I went to for a reading. And he said to me I see a grey horse standing by your left shoulder. It was about a month after I had lost my heart horse Erik. I didn't know what to think but who knows maybe he is with me sometimes too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't think you're crazy!! I thought I was crazy for thinking I saw Suzie, haha.

      I have been to a psychic before as well and some of the things she brought up were SO cool - things they she would have had no prior knowledge of. I am glad your Erik sticks around <3

      Delete
  7. I get the feeling that sometimes Visa is... with me? Looking over me? Maybe it's just wishful thinking, but part of him will always be here, because I'm here.

    Hugs <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am sure he is <3 I'd like to think they come and visit every once in a while.

      Hugs <3

      Delete
  8. What special moments whether they can be rationalized or not!

    ReplyDelete